6 Guidelines for Choosing Your Ugly Sweater

That cozy sweater you bought with the Christmas lights and funny pop-culture reference isn’t an ugly Christmas sweater. This is just as name brand sweater you bought on sale because of the terrible joke that is going to make some people laugh, and you’re only going to wear it once until you spill some eggnog on it and throw it in the wash only to have it shrink until you can barely fit it around your arm.

If you call these ugly sweaters, you’re probably the same people who adhere to holiday safety guidelines and live a terribly boring life. There’s no way you would ever win an ugly sweater contest. Fortunately, there is still help for you. Read on for the most important guidelines that can help you pick out a killer ugly sweater. 

1. If You Spend Serious Money, You’re a Fool

Remember, this is something you are only going to wear once a year. That’s why it’s called ugly sweater season. While you can be a fan of ugly sweaters, you should not support the industry that has come to prey on people. The ugly sweater itself is what’s cool, not how much you spend on it. Ideally, borrow your ugly sweater from your grandmother, father, or other older relative’s closet.

If borrowing isn’t an option, you should go to your local thrift store until you find something. That means Amazon Prime, the mall, and any other major stores are out. It doesn’t matter how much money you have. Instead, you need to go to your local secondhand, consignment, or pawn shop and look through the racks. Spending some time here can help you find something you can’t buy in a name-brand store.  

2. If There’s a Pop-Culture Reference, You’re Trying Too Hard

Today, ugly sweaters have become just regular sweaters with typical Christmas prints on them. Unfortunately, being ugly and wearing a sweater does not make for an ugly sweater contest winner. Your sweater must be unique, with some stitching visible. Plus, it must never have pop-culture references. 

You don’t buy shirts with a pop-culture reference for yourself because they are designed to make other people laugh. You’re going to be seriously disappointed when the best laugh you get is a quick chuckle from someone passing by. So at the end of the day, you’re wasting your money on something you’re only going to wear once and getting nothing out of it when it’s got a pop-culture reference on it. 

3. If It’s Comfortable, Get Out of Here

In the old days, these sweaters were hideous. Your ancestors made these for the final days leading up to Christmas out of pure holiday spirit and 100 percent wool. Nothing was lining them. 

True ugly sweaters require you wear at least long sleeves, preferably a turtleneck, underneath them to prevent you from feeling itchy as the material pokes and prods you during a party. Anyone comfortable wearing an ugly sweater seriously missed the mark and needs to be chased out of a party with stern looks. 

4. A Turtleneck and Vest Is Fair Game

Unless you’re a school librarian, you’ll never wear the turtleneck and vest combo, so it is officially deemed ugly. That means it is part of the lineup that you can wear in your ugly sweater contest. 

5. If It’s Homemade, You Are Required To Tell Everybody

People need to know what your spirit level is if you’ve made your own ugly sweater. Nothing at any party beats a homemade ugly sweater. It doesn’t matter if you knitted it, your mom crocheted it, or your grandpa sewed it. If someone in your family made that sweater, you could boast to your heart’s content. 

6. You Can Always Try To Win One

Bars, restaurants, and other venues will often host ugly sweater contests and give away a rare ugly sweater. These can be great practice for whatever you really want to win. Plus, they can give you another ugly sweater to add to your collection for future uses. If there’s one in your area, don’t miss this chance. 

Don’t worry about that ugly sweater contest your friends entered you in next month. By following these guidelines, you’ll be able to pick out just the right sweater to take home the big prize.